Monday, June 27, 2011

TOWANDA: the diary of a mad white woman.

So, I’m dedicating this blog post to one of my favorite movies, Fried Green Tomatoes. These last couple days I have discovered my inner Towanda. Please consider this quote for a moment. (excuse the language)

“I never get mad, Mrs. Threadgoode. Never. The way I was raised, it was bad manners. Well, I got mad and it felt terrific. I felt like I could beat the shit out of all those punks. Excuse my language. Just beat 'em to a pulp. beat 'em till they begged for mercy. Towanda the avenger. And after I wipe out all the punks of this world, I'll take on the wife-beaters, like Frank Bennett, and machine-gun their genitals! Towanda will go on the rampage. I'll put tiny little bombs in Penthouse and Playboy so they'll explode when you open them. And I'll ban all fashion models who weigh less than 130 pounds. And I'll give half the military budget to people of 65 and declare wrinkles sexually desirable. Towanda, righter of wrongs, queen beyond compare!”

Think this is a little extreme? I think not.

A couple days ago Janae and I discovered bug bites on our arms and legs that itched like crazy. I looked like a Dalmatian, but instead of black dots, I was covered with tooth paste dots all over my arms, legs, and hands. By Sunday I had had enough!

Sunday is our water day so we can use as much water as we please without paying for it. I was fully prepared to take advantage of it and came home straight from work and skipped the gym. My first plan of attack was to clean all of my clothes. This process is very time consuming so while that was ensuing; I started in on the bed. I took my bed apart and dosed it with our bathroom cleaner that is so strong it disintegrated a rubber band. I then proceeded to scrub it off with boiling water. I felt that it would do the trick. After that I scrubbed my floor through the same process. I washed my sheets and bedding in the shower, again with boiling hot water and soap. This created the most disgusting orange/brown color of water that I have ever seen. Basically someone who has never drunk water in their life and has a disease would have produced this color of water. And I was sleeping on that! The bedding soaked up almost all the water and became 200 lbs as I carried it to our balcony to dry. Then I carried our large bedroom rug out to the balcony to give it a good disinfecting. I scrubbed that thing with our squeegee until I had collected more than a handful of hair and disgustingness from it. As I set those out to dry I finished the rest of my laundry and cleanup my mess from operation: ‘kill every damn bug.’ Today we set up booby traps around our beds and sprayed every inch of our room with ‘all bugs’ killing spray. I’ve been sleeping on the couch for three days, I have nasty-a bug bites all over my body, and I itch like a mad women. I do hope at least one bug survives so that he can tell his friends about me, because Towanda is here to stay.  

1 comment:

  1. Aimee, Syd and I just read this and it made us very happy :) You keep us laughing.